


The Bible of Godd Howard

by TheLovelySinner



Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, Fallout - Fandom, I think? - Fandom, bethesda - Fandom, idfk what fandom this would be in lmao
Genre: Buy Skyrim, Crack, Funny, Gen, Help, Humor, I hope Godd smites me after this im fucking begging you, Just straight up crack, This is my first fic i have ever posted and this is what i come up with, This proves that there is no god because if there was this wouldn't have happened, Todd Howard saves the day, Todd mother fucking Howard saves ur ass, im so sorry mom, pls dont take this fucking seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-10-24 20:48:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20712299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLovelySinner/pseuds/TheLovelySinner
Summary: You read the title and tags right folks. Don't let this fool you, this is a crack fic (bible?) about the one true Godd, Todd Howard.(This is a joke, please do not get offended I swear on Godd)I realized there wasn't any or hardly any fics about Godd Howard, so why not write my own eh? I hope my classmates don't ever find this.





	1. Adoring Fan 1:69

**Author's Note:**

> I hope yall know this is a JOKE. I just genuinely love Bethesda and Todd Howard so uh here we go

Your feet skid on the pavement, adrenaline coursing through your veins. You clutch your bag, fingers turning white, mace in your right hand, pointing it towards the drunk creep advancing towards you. You were trying to get home after a long tiring day of work. The bills weren't going to pay themselves, so you lived and worked in a sketchy area(working at a strip club would prepare you for this you'd think). "Hey pretty thing," the drunk man calls out, bottle swinging from the tips of his fingers. He was staggering towards you, so he couldn't put much of a fight. Right? You glance around you, it's night, the chill threatening to freeze your fucking juicy bones. There's a homeless man on meth, but he's too fucked up to help you. Bet he doesn't even know where the hell he is right now huh. "I-I got mace," you mange to stutter out, your fight or flight response kicking in. You should be running by now, but your legs won't move. You swallow ready to mace this fucking creep, but as soon as your finger curls over the button a deep, sexy voice, comes from behind you. Your breathing stops. Could it really be? You slowly turn to see a figure illuminated by the street lamp. Todd mother fucking Howard? Your distraction gives advantage to the drunk man. His warmth cascades onto your body while his arm curls around your waist with a punishing grip. "Let Y/N go," Todd Howard purrs, a smirk played across his lips. The creep laughs, arms dangerously encircled around your waist. "This ain't none of ya business stranger," he slurred his finger tips rubbing circles around your waist. Todd Howard's steely grey eyes, turn into blood fucking red, and a grin stretches across his face. 'What the fuck??? Beech what the fuck is happening im??' you think, not really entirely sure wtf is going on. Toddie steps dangerously close to the creep growling," I said. Let. them. Go". The drunk guy throws his head back with a laugh, and next before your virgin eyes, Todd Howard punches the guy in the jaw, knocking them to the ground. You step aside just in time with your Godd like reflexes. Todd Howard exclaims with glee, as he devours his toes and his ass. Screaming erupts from the guy's lungs, his body convulsing. He begs for mercy, his legs are flailing about, trying to push Todd Howard off. You're just standing there, watching, for some reason your dumbass hasn't fled. It's too late to flee anyways, because Todd Howard turns to you. The guys lifeless body is inside out, crumpled to the ground. I would provide a picture if I could, but hey even I have common courtesy. Blood, and entrails are dripping from Todd Howards lips. He smiles at you, teeth stained pink from that helpless guy's body. "Ah shit, here we go again," you mutter, mentally preparing yourself for the ass eating and toe devouring to come. You clutch the mace in his direction, as he rises to his feet. You are determined, you know you're gonna die, but not without a fight. You may be a bottom, but this bottom ain't going down withouta good, rough, punishing fucking. Todd Howard laughs, as he sees your pitiful form ready to mace him in his eyes. "You're pretty cute, I wont lie, but you cannot kill me, I'm god," he explains with a small smile. He slowly, like the slimey snakey man he is, moves over to the guys bleeding skinned head. "You and I have unfinished business you see," Todd Howard says, as he crouches down to the crumbled corpse, finger tips smoothing out the hair."You have not bought the 69th remake of Skyrim on the Game cube". He rises from the ground and seductively walks towards you. He reminds you of a snake about to strike. "Now tell me darling, why is that?" He's in front of you now, his breath hitting your face. It smells like mint oddly, considering he literally just ate that guy's ass. His finger tips are covered in blood, blood is everywhere. His hair, adorned on his clothes, he's gonna need a fucking shower jfc. His finger tips reach up to your left cheek bone, painting your cheek red with blood."I-I don't know s-senpai," you manage to stutter out. He chuckles, eyes squinting, the light reflecting his pink teeth. "Let me walk you home and talk about the intelligent AI in Oblivion."


	2. Lucien Lachance 2:78

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey you. You're finally awake. You were trying read fan fiction, and came across this hell hole right? It's not over yet, I see you noticed the title. No, not the title of the game, the title of this chapter. Oh? You're angry? You thought this was the new elder scrolls 6? The new fallout? No, this is Skyrim, and The Bible of Godd Howard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes yes yes, I'm trying to make this crack enjoyable and funny thank you for noticing. I could be doing my work for my professors, but instead I'm sitting on my ass and writing this. Hope yall are happy bout it.

Two pairs of feet walk in sync, making a rhythm on the cement. It's kinda creepy actually. You and Todd Howard are actually in sync, who would've thought. The night is becoming later. Todd Howard was talking to you about how ungrateful The Elder Scrolls fans were, and the Fallout fans. "Who would've thought that they wouldn't enjoy Fallout 76?! And now they're begging for a new elder scrolls? And for me to stop rereleasing Skyrim?! Heathens the lot of them," he spat out, fists clenched. You just hummed in agreement, not really sure how to respond. If you told Todd Howard your opinion on why a new Elder Scrolls needs to be released, you'd probably end up like that drunk who tried to assault you. He huffs shaking his head in annoyance. You two are silent for a few minutes, the occasional muttering coming from Toddie, and the occasional nods you'd give to his rambles. Todd Howard suddenly stops, but you walk ahead a bit, taking a few seconds to register what was going on. You turn around, your cheeks burning from his cocky smirk, and his crossed arms. "What," you manage to say clutching your Gucci bag. "Isn't this your place," his trademark smirk growing bolder, head pointing in the general direction of your shitty apartment. You turn to the direction he's motioning at. There, were the trademark stains on the bricks, and the famously known residents on their balconies smoking a fat ol' joint. Some music could be heard, pulsing in the back ground, some whoops and cheers cracking through the air. You nod, but then your eyes narrow in a glare, realization bitch slapping you across the face. Before you could stop yourself, you ask coldly,"How the fuck do you know where I live?" Todd Howard Sensai smiles,"Now there's the bite and firey beauty I know." Dried blood was gleaming from the street lamp, shining his hair, and his bloody ass leather jacket. "If you must know, I always know where my fans live." You just stopped, staring at this crazed psychopath, who calls himself a god. You didn't know what to say, you were fucking speechless. I mean, cmon think about it, Todd Howard knowing where you live???? Dude, you're fucking SCREWED. Anyways, he says," I am Godd after all." You hum forcing your smile down, trying so hard not to bust your ass laughing. This had to be some kind of fever dream right? "Thanks for being my guardian and escorting me to my home, Godd Howard," you say chuckling, digging through your bag looking for your key. For once, Todd Howard is speechless. '_Did they just mock me?' _He was stunned, a mortal ACTUALLY dared to mock him. Thats kinda hot. Ahahaha, I'm joking..I'm joking...Todd Howard isn't into that..._unless?_ You turn to him, and he coughs. "Of course, my little dove," he says grasping your cheeks gently giving you a butterfly kiss on your forehead. It felt suprisingly soft, not something you'd expect from Todd Howard of all people. He then proceeds to walk off, his hands in his pockets, and you watched his from disappear from your view of sight. "_What in the actual fuck,"_ you thought allowed, unlocking your front door, swinging it open. You hear your big ass dog's paws scamper across your tile floor. You close the door, and lock all three locks, so no one can come for your ass. <strike>Seriously, how the fuck do readers always get in the worst situations? Beats me.</strike> "Hold on Jam," you say, as your big beast of a dog tries to rub on you. You move past him as he sniffs you, getting him his dinner so he wouldn't eat your furniture. You were broke enough as it is, you couldn't afford anything new. After you feed your starving dog so peta wouldn't come to eat your ass, you start unpacking your bag. There, you find a scarf. You cautiously place your hand in your bag, and feel the scarf. Holy shit it's soft, but where did it come from? You pull it out of your bag, and bring it up to your nose to smell. It's Todd Howard's enticing scent. '<strike></strike>_How did he?,"_ you think but quickly shut down that thought. You didn't want to know, frankly, its for the best anyway. You drag your feet down the hall, scarf hanging loosely from your fingertips, toward your room.<strike> It smells very nice, might aheago over it idk.</strike> As soon as you get comfortable on your bed, you're out like a light <strike> I took half a xan, 13 hours till I land, had me out like a light, eh, like a light..</strike>


	3. NiNiNiNiNi:3:78

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Godd Howard said let there be light. Then there was light. On the second day he made man, man to work on Morrowind. The next day, Morrowind came to select stores, and then the next Oblivion. Oblivion hit the charts with its intelligent AI. "NININNINNINININI," the argonian woman screamed, as the adventurer refused to deliver the forbidden fruit."By Azura, by Azura, by Azura! The grand champion is standing here, next to me!" The bright yellow haired elf exclaimed, eyes shining. He followed the adventurer till the end of time (till the adventurer shot him off a cliff).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ones a short one folks. Kinda boring tbh but I mean, this Bible needs to have good quality smh. Just can't skip the important stuff.

Your eyes shoot open, as your phone vibrates on your beaten up night stand. You let out a groan. <strike>not because of Todd Howard unless??</strike>. Your fist clenches your pillow making your fingers ache. You throw your pillow to your face and try to suffocate yourself. You fumble around your night stand, until you finally clutch your fingers around your phone. "H-hello," you croak out, sleepiness in your throat. "Y/n," a shriek erupts from the other line. Its your dumbass friend that drags you into everything. You glance at the time on your phone, its fucking 4:20 pm. You've over slept by a FUCK ton. "What," you snapped, their chipper voice making your migraine worse. "Wow, someone's fucking grumpy," they snapped back. You mumbled an apology, teeth clenched, left hand circling your temple. "Get your ass up and out, we're going to the fucking club!" You sighed, you really did not want to go out and especially at night. "I haven't seen you in a while! I thought you were fucking butchered or something!" That was true. You've been so preoccupied with work, and because of the greatest thing called isolation, you forget to keep in touch. "Alright fine," you manage to mutter out. Cheers erupted from the other line, and you both said goodbyes and hung up.

You drag your feet out into the hall of your apartment, scooping up food for your dog. You felt really bad that you overslept, and that he had to wait for so long. "Yea yea," you say, running your fingers through his soft fluffy fur. "I'm sorry I woke up so late." You kiss the top of his head, and trudge to your room again. You pulled out whatever the fuck you could find, and laid it across your bed. As soon as you started stripping, the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. You swivel your head, your shirt halfway off. Your breath is ragged, and you feel sweat trickle down your forehead. You don't see anybody there, but you swear that somebody WAS there. "You're just paranoid, nobody's here." You finished getting dressed, and head to your bitch ass bathroom. As you glance up at your mirror, you realize you look like James Charles after Tati dragged his creepy ass. There was still blood adorned on your cheek, and some on your chin too. You tched at the dark circles adoring your neck from that drunken guy. '_So it wasn't a dream,'_ you thought. "This isn't going to be easy to cover up at all." 

You plummet down the hall, trying to find some food for you to vore. You really hoped the club was in a nice area, its around downtown after all. You don't want an encounter like last night, unless you're into that. Besides, would Todd Howard save you again? You highly doubt it, it was just sheer luck. He wouldn't really save your sorry ass again. You vore your food, like full on fucking vore. As you finish, you snatch your keys, wallet, and head out. Tonight was going to be an interesting one.


	4. "It Just Works" 4:20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Godd Howard in the ten commandments DEMANDED for us to buy his 789th NEW remake of Skyrim. If you refuse, he'll plague the land with thousands of frogs. He'll take your newborn child if you ask for the new Elder Scrolls. He'll enslave that child into Bethesda, and then they'll proceed to make Skyrim on the game cube. Godd Howard will send gnats onto your house if you dare to even mention the chess club. "Who's laughing now," he screams as the gnats jump into your eyes, your family and friends screaming in sheer terror. What a time to be alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its kinda funny tbh because like,,, I was raised as a christian (before I fell out of that idk what I am now lmao),,, and literally all the biblical lore I learned is being used for this Godd Howard Bible thing and honestly??? What more of a use would there be for biblical lore, if it weren't for this??

(Also guess I should put this in the notes, but fuck it who reads those anyways lmao, uhhhh this chapter has a song ok,,, its Infatuation by takeoff :D)

You strut into the club, feeling confident as ever. You aren't somebody's bitch tonight, everybody is your cum slut for tonight. Music is pumping through your ears, the smell of grinding and sweat immediately fills your nostrils. Are your ears actually bleeding?? You glance around the club, and what catches before your very eyes, is a whole fucking cluster of furries. You feel arms encircle around your waist. "Y/N," your friend yells over the music. "Hey, what the fuck is it with all these furries?" your friend looks around, eyes looking at one furry in particular. It's a literal emo furry, just full on black fursuit, horns, wings, you fucking name it. Your friend turns around and gives the furry a look. You know that look. They're gonna sleep with that furry now no doubt about it. The mysterious furry waves at them, and she giggles, her face slurty. "Oh my fucking god, don't even think about it," you yell, finding delight in their pouty lips. "whhhhhyyyyyy," they whine, stomping their feet like a child. "I didn't know it was furry night!" You sigh and shake your head <strike>hey at least your friend is gonna get a good fucking, yea its a furry i know ew, but they're at least gonna have a one night stand .</strike> Your friend abandons your bitch ass, and makes an immediate beeline for that emo furry. _'Disappointed but not surprised,'_ you think as you make your way to the bar. If you're gonna be stuck here, you might as well get drunk right?

You've been taking so many shots, all you can focus on is the void. You start to sway on the barstool, giggling as the world spins around you. A hand clamps down onto your shoulder. "You want me to get you a drink," somebody whispers in your ear. You may be tipsy, but you're not a dumbass <strike>not yet anyway.</strike> "No thanks," you manage to slur out, "I was just about to go the the dance floor anyways." You manage to slither out of their grasp like a fucking snake, and stumble over to the dance floor. One of your favorite songs comes on, cheers erupting through the crowd. You see your friend grinding with the furry on the other side of the room. How they're even grinding through that suit, you don't know, but you don't wanna find out. The hairs on your neck stand up, a chill coursing through your veins. You feel eyes stare at your back, your adrenaline kicking in. You whip your head and see a familiar face. No... it can't be. TODD MOTHER FUCKING HOWARD?!

You rub your eyes, and blink, as if to see if it was just a mere image. Nope. It's actually Todd Howard, standing across the room, looking at you dead ass. He's not grinning at you, just fucking stares at you menacingly. Honestly looks kind of like a seductive smirk? But you can't fucking tell<strike>, hell looking at the reference picture I'm using I can't tell either its honestly just a confusing picture. If yall know which picture I'm using kudos to you. </strike> You don't smile or wave, you don't know what the heck to do. Think about it, if somebody stared at you like this, what would you do? You nod in his direction, at least acknowledging his existence. You start to dance to the music, but because you took so many shots, your dumbass falls to the ground. <strike>___Dumb whore. You like to be degraded don't you._</strike>__ You feel arms around your waist hoisting you up. To your disappointment, it's not Todd Howard, but some girl. She's actually kinda cute, but that doesn't really matter. Because Todd Howard is laughing his ass off. Rolling on the floor, tears in his eyes, fists and feet pounding and kicking into the ground. "You good," the girl asks, concern on her pretty face. Her black stained lip is in between her teeth. "Yea I'm fine, thanks though." She helps you to your feet, and after she checks that you're okay, she leaves. "Thanks for the help," you grumble, as Todd Howard struts his away over to you. "Well darling, it's hard not to be amused, when you fall on your ass," he teases. You snort, arms crossed. He kisses your cheeks, fingers lingering on your shoulders. "C'mon love, Daddy Howard wants to have some fun."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes, Daddy Howard, what a great name. Doesn't it fill you up with lust?


	5. The Lusty Argonian Maid  5:66

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Ten Commandments in the Bible of Godd Howard:
> 
> 1\. Do not kill Paarthurnax; or ye shall be condemned to getting fucked by a giant
> 
> 2\. Buy Skyrim
> 
> 3\. Buy ALL of the remakes of Skyrim ye can on each console ye own
> 
> 4\. Stop lusting after the kahjits ye furry 
> 
> 5\. Bethesda owns ye ass now, ye are not ye own human 
> 
> 6\. Stop asking for the new Elder Scrolls, or Molag Bal will eat ye ass 
> 
> 7\. I own ye, if ye say otherwise, ye are a dengenrate
> 
> 8\. Fallout 76 is a great game, ye are just complaining milk drinkers
> 
> 9\. DO NOT MENTION THE CHESS CLUB
> 
> 10\. What's Fallout New Vegas?? Ye shall not talk about things that don't exist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update, school has been riding my ass. Alas, this is the last chapter of the Bible of Godd Howard. I know, I'm sad to see it go too. Thank yall for the kudos and hits, cant believe people actually viewed this goddforsaken story. I hope my professors or classmates never find this.

'_Did he just call himself Daddy Howard???????," _is your literal first thought <strike>ha jokes on you you're fucking turned on about it because not only does ya hoe who's writing this have daddy issues and mommy issues, but I'm the one writing this fucking story.</strike> His body ripples from his chuckles, eyes closed. "Be careful with those thoughts darling," he murmurs, a teasing glint in his eye. "Oh my Godd," you curse out loud, "you can read minds." He smiles, finger tracing your cheek bones. "I always have, even when you thought about me all alone at ni-" You outwardly groan, cheeks beet red, averting eye contact. "No love, don't get shy about me now, it's enduring honestly," he teases. "Just shut up and kiss me I sw-". Lips shoved against yours, cutting you off. Your hands creep up towards his neck, wrapping around them. You tug on his oh so soft brunette curls. His hands have already found your waist, moaning as you tug on his curls. You both pull way, your breathe uneven. His trade mark smirk dances across his lips. "Happy?" You nod, before attacking his lips again. 

The first thing you notice is the blinding light. It takes over your vision, and you hastily pull your arm to your face, covering the streaks of light threatening to bilnd you. "What the fuck is going on," you say aloud eyes closed tightly. "Now my dove, is that how you talk to your Godd," a booming voice asks. You recognize that vice. Your eyes fly open....no...it can't be.... "**_IS THAT TODD MOTHERFUCKING HOWARD??!!!" _**Yes...it is. You look around hurriedly. Clouds. Soft, warm, fluffy clouds. A beautiful, big, building is ahead on a path. The sky is a ray of blues, greens, purples, and pinks in an array with stars. There are trees, and forests surrounding this unknown place. "DID I DIE??!!," you screech, tugging at your hair. Todd Howard stands before you, light radiating off of him, hes adorned with white, creamy robes. "Yea you did. Apparently fucking a mortal with my goddlike strength, kills them." You stand there flabbergasted. You open your mouth, close it again, open it again with your finger up, but close your mouth and put your finger down. He chuckles, amused at your confusion and silence. "I told you I was a Godd." "Where the hell am I? WHAT ABOUT MY LIFE," anger and fear suddenly starts to erupt in your heart. He tuts. "Now now darling, that's no way to treat Daddy Howard is it." Your cheeks immediately turn red, and you start to fidget. "You are in Sovngarde, or heaven, as you mortals like to refer it as. You died, after I bed you with my Goddlike strength. But that's okay, because now we can stay here together. Forever." You had to be dreaming, or you were in some sort of comma. RIGHT? There's no way in hell you died, from a good rough fucking, and there's no way in hell you could stay here. His brow arches, and his arms are crossed. "Really, you want to go back. Back to your shitty life, and your shitty friend ,who by the way, not only doesn't give a shit about you, but started a whole ass furry orgy at the bar." He shudders, face clenching with disgust. "You are LUCKY you did NOT have to see THAT." He's right. Your friend never gave a shit about you. They just used you as a wingman, and constantly ditched your ass when you needed them. You worked at a shitty, creepy, strip club, getting by in a shitty apartment. You left your family, for uh good reasons. You chew your lip in thought. He's right. He's the best thing that's ever happened to you. Do...you? Yes. You do love Todd Howard. He not only saved your life, but he also cared about you. "Darling, you belong here," he whispers, grasping your face, softly, like he was afraid that if he grabbed you a little more harder, you'd disappear. Like the avengers to dust, by Thanos. "I'll stay," you whisper onto his lips, filling the gap "I love you, Godd Howard."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Thats it. Thats the literal end. I was gonna have Toddie devour the reader's soul, but decided not to. Tryna keep it soft yknow? Anyways, thank yall so much for reading this, I hope yall enjoyed. Can't believe that my writing skills and somewhat knowledge on Biblical lore was used for this. And the fact that this is my first fic on here lmao. Hope it was enjoyable and that it had enough humor to be considered crack.
> 
> Love yall, and as Tommy Wiseau would say it, "Hi Doggie, bye doggie. Bye." 
> 
> ~TheLovelySinner


End file.
